Make Up, Don't Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil & Harville Hendrix

Author:Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil & Harville Hendrix
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: book, ebook
Publisher: F+W Media, Inc.
Published: 2010-02-18T05:00:00+00:00

Dealing with Ghosts

The ghosts of our ex-lovers, including boyfriends and husbands, may appear to get in the way of getting past the third date, stopping a relationship before it starts, or impeding the progress toward making a commitment. Those ghosts—“Blasts from the Past”—are really reenactments of our hurts, disappointments, and expectations of our parents. This is why they hurt even more. It’s like a double whammy. This is also why getting rid of a person (your exes included) doesn’t get rid of your problem and why reconnecting with your family is crucial for connection and intimacy with your partner.

When my patient Mary Lou began her therapy with me, she wouldn’t share her feelings or fears with her partners. She wouldn’t move forward and she wouldn’t move back.

She wanted to believe all the promises her dates made her, and at the same time she was clinging to the promise she made to be loyal to her fiancé who died of cancer. She was also “Daddy’s little girl,” and had never completed the developmental stage of leaving her father. No one could measure up to Dad in her eyes and she couldn’t cut her ties with her dead fiancé as evidenced by her frequent visits to his grave and the close connection she maintained with his mother.

I told Mary Lou, “You must deal with all the ghosts in your closet; not only your fiancé who died, but also all of your other ex-boyfriends and your father. Reconnect to people you let go as a bridge to new connections. You may even have to see some of them to disconnect.”

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